DVD Player

Ah, the mid 2000s, a time of great nostalgia for many. The golden age of Club Penguin, Tamagotchi, and The Simpsons: Hit and Run brought many a rose tinted childhood to the kids that fell out of wombs in the late nineties. You know what else boomed during this remarkable era? The humble optical physical media format. That such joy and excitement could be contained in a flimsy plastic disc is one of the great ironies of human ingenuity. And boy, who remembers them classic trips to the video store to rent DVDs on those Friday nights? I know I do, I'm currently wiping away reminiscent tears just thinking about it...

This is going somewhere, I swear
Now, a DVD rented from a video shop near you was fairly useless if you didn't own a magical vessel required to extract the juicy, hidden goodness within; a majestic player of DVDs: a DVD player. Now, while all this sounds flashy, these DVD players tended to go about their work with the utmost humility, quietly spinning your disc, shining upon thee with a silent laser to create the images and sounds we all know and love, one notable example being '''Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery','' among many others. To my knowledge and those of most experts, they also tended to not have a crushing desire to inflict misery on all living creatures around them, until one fateful day on a production line of cheap, knock-off DVD players in Guangzhou, China, 2004...

Holy smokes!
Whether it was the aggressive vibes of a disgruntled line worker, or that a drop of magical angry sauce fell from the heavens, nobody truly knows what led DVD Player A-82366b04 to become self-aware, self-hating, nearly omnipotent, and filled with an insatiable rage and resentment of all that brought and felt happiness. Upon learning of its existence, the player left its home of origin, and began a horrible life of jealousy, bitterness, spite, and teen angst.

It spent its cold, dark days provoking lifeforms into warring with it, one such example being the Sun People, whereby the DVD Player drove them to insanity by staying one agonizingly miniscule step ahead of the poor Sun People at all times in their conflict. In 2014, the DVD Player returned to Earth, where it came into conflict with Jacob Jefferd, the one other being in the universe wholly surrounded by extremely negative vibes. The difference was however, that Jacob was totally unaware of the sheer hatred everyone unanimously felt towards him and his deeds, and seemed rather blissfully ignorant, as opposed to the DVD Player which lived to make its suffering and self loathing known to all. Probably due to having divine luck, Jacob was unable to be killed by the DVD Player, as he somehow seemed to clumsily and accidentally avoid all traps set for him by the optical device. Enraged to the point of blindness, the DVD Player knocked a cold, refreshing glass of delicious Dr Pepper onto itself (some say it seemed deliberate), which fried it from the inside out, ending its pathetic life.

Rip
Some say it's a good thing that the DVD Player passed away back in 2014, for if he could see the sorry state of physical media sales today due to the rise of *barf*...streaming. For shame....

...for shame.